I dont think my sleep schedule could possibly be more fucked up right now. Honestly, I have amazing friends who are all seemingly vampires. Every person in my life that wants to spends time with me really only wants to do so in the times between 10 pm and 5 am. It's like twilight but no where as sexy.  well...it's a little sexy
but seriously...I stay out all night, sleep when I can on my days off (which as much as I enjoy them are really too often...got to have more $$$ coming in) or I stay out all night and somehow manage to get up and go and kill it at the bookstore. I don't know how I would function in life without energy shots. I take two 5 hour power shots. I'm not sure if it gives me 5 hours of super power or 10 hours of power. but it works. And even on a night like tonight...I go to bed at a decent time but then I wake up at 4 am. Rediculous. I'm treating WaldenBooks as an actual job for the first time since probably the first 5 months in 2004 when I started there. The truth of the matter is I was a really shitty employee right before I left. And it's not surprising...I got way way way too comfortable there, and then added other jobs on top of it. Anyone working 3 jobs is going to have to give something up somewhere. I was unproductive, had attendance issues, and generally treated it more like a place to hang out with friends and get paid. It's a good thing they liked me...i'm pretty sure my charm alone was the only thing that kept me getting a pay check from there each week. So now...I'm focused at work. I stay busy, and I bust my ass to take care of my customers and co-workers. I try to use the lessons I learned at Best Buy about selling and offering to make sure our customers get the full advantage of coming to our store. Yeah I'm going to use up a little bit more of your time telling you about our promotions but the trade off is unfaltering service when you come in and don't know a goddamn thing about some mystery book you want. I can make miracles happen, I can find your book even if all you know about it is the author has a beard and was on the Daily Show two weeks ago. I can even probably find a coupon to save you a bit of money on the book. All I ask is that you look me in the eye and give me 20 more seconds of your time to listien to what our company is doing this week. And it's working. Currently we're doing a book drive for a bunch of various local churches and charities. It's all for kids. Books and stuffed bunnies for little guys and girls who otherwise may not get shit this year. So far the average rate of the average bookseller is about ....5-10 per shift. Today I got 25. That's 25 different kids who get to believe in the Easter Bunny for one more year regardless of what else is going on in their life. I like that. Unfortunately it's a pay cut for right now...and if I want to achieve the goals I've set...I need more money coming in. So...hello Best Buy. Yeah I have an interview out there on Thursday. All things considered I should be fairly excited, but honestly my last encounter with the store manager Joe really left a poor taste in my mouth. He's just such a tool. lol But if I were to do it part time, with a focus on Waldens as my main thing...and trying to keep in mind that neither one of these places will likely be a real career choice...I guess it's not that bad. And having the Best Buy discount would certainly be nice again. I miss having a not shitty tv. lol In other news, There is a person who is routinely becoming the highlight of my week each week. What we have is a sort of odd thing, but enjoyable. I'm learning to enjoy without pushing. This is not always so easy. I've been blessed multiple times since returning home. Both long term important people and numerous friends who were simply aquaintances are really starting to open up to me and I'm getting a lot closer with everyone. I can't even count the number of really really good heart to heart conversations I've had in the last few days. Unfortunately most of the conversations bring up difficult questions...things I don't have an answer for. At this point, I don't even know how sound my advice actually is, but I certainly have a lot to reflect on and I'm willing to offer any and all of my experiences to anyone who may find something of value in them. I'm being trusted with alot. From a lot of people. I carry things. I protect things. Secrets and pain and heartbreaks and triumphs. I collect, and I remember. And I try to hold on to them until they can be more valuable later on. In return...I'm also trying more and more to open up about things. I've told a few people now how....difficult it can be for me sometimes. It's hard to talk about. It's hard to even explain. I have to deal with things....and I'm not sure why. It may be self-inflicted. But it's hard to blame myself when so often I feel as though I am on a rollercoaster and all I can do is hold on and hope for the best. It's hard to tell someone you love about your hate. It's hard to watch them tear up, and just possibly see a twinge of fear in thier eyes. It's hard to explain this seething, surging feeling that hits me like a punch to the mouth sometimes. It's hard to explain the total lack of control I have in my life somtimes...and how frustrating that can be. It's hard to explain the love/hate relationship I have with pain and redemption. It's hard to reveal to people the sometimes what you see is a big grinning mask. It's hard. But I do have hope. And I do have experience in dealing with this. And for the first time I have the common sense to tell myself to fuck off when I get stupid. I don't know how...but I know in the deepest part of me that things are going to work out. It's the spark I breathe into and coax when the darkness really hits. Some days it's all I have. But I do have it. And I mean when I say this.... If I had the world to give...I think I'd give it to you. | 
